Writing meaningful things in cards is hard and I refuse to do it.

Greeting cards are the bane of my existence.

No. That isn't true. There are some extremely funny cards that I get excited to give to people. I just want to say "I am so funny and original, and I shall show you via mass produced card" along with whatever placated sentiment is due.


 What is the bane of my existence is being expected to leave a little piece of my soul inside this card. The card already said something amusing and/or to the point. You are my friend/loved one/unicorn. Lets continue being friends/ loved ones/person and unicorn. Love, me. And I can draw fun little pictures if need be, or write a random tidbit. Just not with my soul. I sold it a lot in college for various things. I don't even know where it is.


The worst is when multiple people are writing in a card, and everyone has a cute little paragraph talking about all sorts of crazy things that they have been saving in their heart for this specific moment.

Then, it is your turn.

You read all the other personal sentiments that are all perfect in every way.

Shit.

My turn: "I like friends. You are one. That one time happened. HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh, you. -Tiffi"

This isn't even my knee jerk habit of making things awkward just because. I am trying, or used to, but vow to no longer. It never works anyways. In fact, I vote from now on all of society turns and runs in the other direction with their arms in the air every time they see another human.  It's the only way to fix this.

I  do have a couple friends who like to send rediculous cards that make no sense to people for no reason, and I like this.  Random ridiculous things make me happy and cards that fit this description are no exception.
My amazing friend, Bdyer, who lives across the country, has sent me two cards in the last two months, and I must say she has perfected the art of card giving. In the Christmas card she drew a cat that was also a rainbow and said "rainbow cat says hi"  I don't know about you, but to me rainbow cats say we will be friends forever in a much less awkward way than reading a paragraph about how we will be friends forever.

The second one was a birthday card a couple weeks late, which somehow made me love it more. It said "sorry the card was late" as well as birthday sentiments and such. Neither of these cards made me uncomfortable.  They actually both made me extremely happy and thoroughly amused.

Bdyer also was one of 2 senders of 'broken Tiffi' cards when I had a broken leg. The other was my roommate. He wasn't my roommate at the time, he lived out of state. Now that I think about it mailing it to me as my roommate would have made my life. I guess he didn't think ahead far enough to plan taking a month off grad school, moving back to be my roommate when I broke my leg so he could send his own roommate a card in the mail. His bad.

Expressing feelings make people uncomfortable, so why does it make people feel weird when they aren't included inside these things?  It's okay when the card mixes awesomeness with some sentiment. But let's leave it to the professionals.  They already said it. No need to add. I promise.

And when I get one, am I supposed to read it in front of you? Run away immediately so we can knowingly look at each other later like "Yah, man, I get your feelings. We are now closer." Open it when I see a sign? Burn it because I'm scared of the consequences of knowing what is inside?

What about when I give a card? Can I write on the envelope "open when I am at least 500 feet away and will be for a long time?"

I'm stressed out right now, and there is no prospective card writing in my future.

Ok, I'll admit that me plus expressing feelings equals sadface.

But this cannot just be awkward for me.  I get that it's weird that I get all dude-like with feelings and would rather punch a guy in the arm and have an arm wrestling contest than talk about my feelings and what not. Especially since I am an artistically inclined person and I am prone to (if not required to be) being passionate about things and, you know, having emotions and stuff, but having and acting on feelings and sitting and talking about them are different. One I like, one I don't. I know it has to happen sometimes to make society work or whatever, but let's do it with verbal words that never need to be read again.

Also, being put on the spot can make me seem like the biggest blubbering idiot ever.  In fluid thought, I know all sorts of things about myself and how I feel about things. When asked specific things it's like I've just been hit with the Men In Black flashy thing:

Someone being normal: "Hey! What's your favorite color?"

Me: "What?! Color?? Where did that come from? ....ummm.....7? No...couch! No...purple! Dammit! I hate purple. I understand if you defriend me."

Now imagine feelings.

And add being put on the spot with expected emotion knowing the recipient can read it however many times, and others may read it as well. So much pressure.

This last fall, I bought a present for my friend's bridal party online, printed a picture of said present, forgot the picture and drew a picture of the present on the card. Everyone loved it. In her thank you card (Cards always warrant more cards, they are the gateway drugs of paper stock.) she even mentioned that she didn't know if the drawing or the present was better.  The one and only time I won at card writing.

 I think I also shared the sentiment "You are getting married!" I may have also mentioned that I was a bridesmaid. I doubt she forgot, but I feel like it proved that we are close.